Wow! Go left field !

Still gift wrapping after Christmas, but now the conversation has turned to the weather. That is, the conversation that goes on whilst you wrap a customers purchases, 

 ' I bet you hate gift wrapping when you get home ....' 

is now,

'Isn't it awful, the weather is...'

So just to shake things up, because actually , I don't hate gift wrapping. I love it, wrapping gifts means I am not searching through a giant tip of western, 'Feel good' recycling, looking for stuff I can sell to feed my kids, I decided to say something a bit controversial. 

'Blah , Blah, Blah weather....'

'I don't know sir, on a day like today I find it helps to remember we are on a ball in space spinning round. How mad is that?'

Do you know, he went a bit white and was really quiet until I finished. 

 

Happy Christmas.........

After Mole's brush with karma, one has decided to post only that which we can learn from in a positive way, or that which is charmingly amusing.

So to round off 2013 and to set us up for 2014, here is a lovely little tale from the Institution during the Christmas rush.

Our favourite temp was working among the masses on the fragrance wall when this happened to him,

'Er mate can you help me?'

'Yes sir,what is you need?'

'I'm looking for a fragrance for me girlfriend.'

'Okay, what does she normally wear?'

'Well, when she goes to work, black pants and like a top....'

'Oh ...'

'You know but something else when she goes out..'

'No...I meant what fragrance.'

Sweet!

Hoisted................

'Yeah, so  I write this blog..........it's about how stupid customers can be.......not all of them obviously, just the really bad ones.....like rude and daft.......'

Just part of a conversation I had moments before I became probably the most foolish customer, in what I can honestly say, was the most cringe worthy situation anyone has ever or will ever encounter.
Now, I know some of you have left babies in pubs, farted at inopportune moments, got crossed wires or fallen off the bath naked. But, I bet you have never got your foof waxed then forgotten your purse in a busy city center salon.

'Where is my purse, tell me I haven't forgotten my purse!!!!!!!!!'

Of course I had.

I then had to stand stupidly in front of the salon owner and receptionist whilst we decided what we were to do, all the while ALL of us were aware, I had just had somebody phootal round my nether regions with hot wax. Hats off to them for trusting me to make sure I paid, because god knows what would have happened if they hadn't.
 I don't believe you can just stick it all back where it came from, can you?
What is the no-returns policy on that?

So you see Karma actually in action, you moan about the customer , you become that customer.

Many thanks for the trust and professionalism.

Hoisted on my own petard!

Enter The Mole......

So!!!!!!!!!!
It's been awhile.
 After tracking down 'She Who Must Be Obeyed', to what can only be described as an 'Institution' and I don't mean like, the Queen or Tom Jones or even, Mr Kipling, I'm talking ,'One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest' here. I thoroughly ingratiated myself, bypassing ones personal catastrophe by simply choosing never to serve 'Cottage Pie ' in my house, into full time work. And after a long silence, I have collected enough data to savagely continue in the manner of which this blog was first conceived.........

I.E. You the customer are wrong. Yes, you are.... and in so many more ways than you were in 'The Hall of Plenty.
So here ,once again  com'eth the stories of woe, the gobsmackingly stupid and the 'you have got to be fucking joking!'
And as a foretaste of this rich vein of dynamic customer behavior from the consultant point of view, enjoy this,
POINTS ;
various meanings from science  to sport , what it doesn't mean is dither around, whilst other people are waiting to use the badly located till, looking in your purse for your points boosters , your extra points , your points card oh , oh , oh and that crumpled receipt you shoved in your pocket and washed but still need validating. No it doesn't, because if you have managed to save nearly two hundred pounds worth of the damn things you will be familiar with the routine. You pay at the end of the transaction. Like Christmas it never moves, it's not a surprise if you say you want to buy something that we then ask you for money and your points card, so why !?! WHY!!!!???!!!! WHHHYYY is every other points related episode punctuated by ' Oh where is it? Where have I put it? Where are my vouchers....?' Does it come as a shock to some people that in the morning their feet are where they were when they went to sleep still on the end of their legs? Because that is the level of drama at my till every day 'Oh, (laugh ,laugh,laugh) there they are, sorry...'

                                    'Get your points card out now before I put this in a bag!'

The Tale of the Wonky-eyed Woman.

Well, hello and how have you been? Mole hasn't blogged in quite some time, due to a sea change. We will gloss over that and break out with a quick event that occurred today.

On serving a very pretty girl with some fragrance I happened to notice that her eyes did not have much simpatico, to those of us that don't speak Euro - bollocks that means they crossed somewhat in the middle. Not wanting to stare, I wrapped her purchase and handed it back with a 'Thank You Very Much ' and a quick glance at the centre of her nose then slightly down to her chest -ish with a sideways crab like motion and a smile.

Half an hour later the Customer Services representative popped over with a complaint. Apparently some pretty lady had complained that I was aloof and had no eye contact. 'Well', I responded, 'She is right, but I was trying to be polite because she was cross-eyed.'
'Was she?' came the reply.
'Very, didn't you notice?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'I never looked at her.'

?

Attitude adjustment!

Whoa! Sometimes even I do not know what blokes see in the painted jades, that drag them from shop to shop acquiring more frivolity to drape themselves in.
Today for example, I met the most pussy whipped man on the planet.

'Roger Shut Up! Now I want this lip gloss replacing with one of the same colour!!!'
'Sorry madam we can only find you something close, because we don't make that anymore.'
'But that is too dark. No! I want ....'
'Darling, she did say they don't make that....'
'Roger ... I said be quiet.'
EMBARRASSED SILENCE
'Madam, this is as close as you are getting.'
'Yes, yes I have been through this before...'
'Here dear this is very close.'
'Give me that!' SNATCHES LIP GLOSS FROM HUSBAND 'It's not the same.'
'I know madam I told you we don't make that anymore.'
'Huh! For goodness sake...'
CONSULTANT (ME)  PUTS BACK ALL MAKE UP AND WALKS AWAY
'Err I'll take it!'
STOPS WALKING, RAISES EYEBROW FOR MAGIC WORD.
'I'll take this.'
'Fine. If you would just follow me...'
'Roger move...Just put it in a bag!'
'I'm sorry?'
'Put it in a bag.'
'I'm sorry?'
'I said put it in a bag...'
LONG SILENCE.
'.........please......'

All I can say is she better bloody well give good head with an attitude like that, because if I was Roger, I would hold a pillow over her face still she stopped bucking, then get the first flight out of the country and spend my pension on prostitutes!!!!!!

A meeting of frivolous minds.....

'Hello do you need a handy wipe madam?'
'Oh yes please, I was just looking to replace this lipstick with something a bit lighter.'
'How about this one?'
'Yes, that's really nice, but you know the texture is a bit.......vaseline...y.'
'Mmm well madam, that is the finest Shea butter we can provide to lock in hydration.'
'Very nice, still a bit greasy though.'
'Yeah I know , not everyone likes the texture.'
'Mmm how about these they are a bit more matt.'
'Yep.'
'By the way, what is a Shea?'
'You know what, I'm not exactly sure.....but whatever it is, we milked it and turned it into butter just for you madam.'
'Ha! Well, that's marvellous. I think I'll have one of those thanks. I don't suppose you can tell me why they are so expensive these days, I mean it is only lipstick...'
'Oh madam, these are wrapped in the sweat from a fairy's wings.....'
'Well in that case, I better have two.'


Other customers to take note!!! There is nothing wrong in having a sense of humour.

Normal Transmission Resumed.

Sorry there hasn't been much of a posting frenzy of late, but with all the changes to Blogger and the kids  S.T.A.T.S ( Very traumatic time for parents, one needs a translation into real speak of the reports that appear telling you in binary code how your child is progressing through the school system. I believe that is where my children go, I mean they could be working for MI5 for all I know.(( I wouldn't let them work for MI6, neither of them have a penchant for the inside of a sports bag.))
So anyway, just a note to let you know normal transmission will be resumed a.s.a.p.

MOLE x