Rushing naked into a bears den!

Now, I don't know about you but I thought in 2010 we were grown up and sophisticated, savvy, astute humans who would avoid the arse-achingly obvious, stupid remark. But I was WRONG.
During a bout of extreme make up, one late April afternoon ( last week). Miss Marple approached a lovely woman at the fragrance bar. Assured that she could browse in peace, the woman explained she was waiting for her husband to arrive so she could buy her favourite fragrance. Miss Marple left her to browse away and we merrily carried on making up our ladies.
When the gentleman in question did arrive, he waved Miss Marple over and the following conversation was had,
Miss Marple, 'Ah hello sir, so what can we do for you?'
Sir, 'What can you do for me? What can you do with that.' He pointed, AT HIS WIFE!
Brushes clattered to the floor, women in all states of repair gasped and the poor lady blushed.
Never one to waste an opportunity, Miss Marple gave the situation some thought. This was highlighted by Miss White ducking behind the counter and removing the ribbon scissors from her reach.
Miss Marple replied, 'Well sir, there doesn't appear to be much we can do for that as she appears pretty perfect to me, but you on the other hand..... (women in their seats leaned forward) .... we can take you over there and bang your head repeatedly in a drawer until you don't say things like that again.'
Sir blushed. 'I'm sorry,'he mumbled to Miss Marple. She pointed to his wife.
(The woman on the other side of the make up table stood for a better look, despite having only one eyebrow penciled on.)
'I'm sorry,' he said to his hugely embarrassed wife.
Miss Marple, 'Right, so how much are you going to spend to make that up then?'
'Err I suppose I'd better get the big one.'
And he did.
Then next hour after they left, was one of unbridled feminism and our conclusion was, never in the history of the Hall of Plenty has any man, ever said anything as stupid as that. As Miss White astutely said, it was like covering yourself in honey and rushing naked in to a bears den.

Deeply Unpleasant!

I love working on Sundays.The 'tiny hands' get a chance to bond with 'he who pays the mortgage'. We have dinner with my parents and the Sunday Crew in the Hall of Plenty are always relaxed. So when something deeply unpleasant happens, we all get a bit miffed.
Late afternoon and a couple turn up on a counter, not saying which, but it was not ours.They wish to return products bought from the company the counter represents, however they have no receipt, the products are not in the right boxes and whilst saying they were a present they insist they were from our particular Hall of Plenty.
It has happened to us all, but what made this so odious, yes ODIOUS was that in an effort to get what they wanted, they reduced a Cosmetics Consultant to tears. Bad move! Whilst more laid back on Sundays, we are no pushovers.
Unfortunately, the nasty little man who insisted he knew someone, who was someone high up, in something to do with our Hall of Plenty, got his knickers in a bit of a twist when confronted by several nylon clad consultants. Smiling and reassuring sir that,
'There was nothing anyone in this store could do without proof of purchase.'
It is amazing what customers will say.
'Do you know who I am?'
'I am a very good customer here,'
'I will complain to your superior.'
'It is in your stores bag.'
'Don't patronise me.'
'Of course you can do something for me, I know you can, there is a lot you can do for me to make up for this bad service.'
'I know I don't have a receipt but this was bought from your store and this counter, I know because it was a gift to us.'
 So okay,
 A) No we don't know who you are , but we do know you are shouting so you must be unsure of your story. Real and genuine returns are not accompanied by shouty, sweaty top lips.
B) If you were a good customer, we would know who you were. You would be that really nice man who buys loads of stuff and we would get a floor manager to ring you in the week, to talk to you about the particular company's returns policy.
C) Complain away , we will not get into trouble because we are doing what the 'Hall of Plenty' requires us to do, refusing to take a return without proof of purchase!
D) It could be lodged in the front bumper of the Overseers car and parked neatly in the front door, but if you don't have a receipt it is not coming back. Oh yes, the bag in question did not belong to our floor and the store hadn't used those since Christmas and it is APRIL.
E) Patronise - assume a air of superiority toward, condescend. - Simply explaining store policy and apologising is not patronising. Attempting to get your own way by saying you know someone high up in the company is.
F) If you know so much, then surely you know it is not bad service you are receiving but a no and you don't like it. Shouting is rude, saying I'm sorry but there is nothing we can do, isn't.
G) If it was a gift, how do you know where it was bought from and if you know somebody well enough to buy you two hundred pounds worth of cosmetics then surely you can ask for the gift receipt that is supplied with every gift that is gift wrapped from our store.

Dear Sir, we are aware of most of the tricks and scams out there . From buying stuff on E-bay, not being happy then trying to get the full price back from a retailer, to customers purchasing stuff, realising they have spent too much and taking it back. Once being the recipient of a return that was used then refilled with baby lotion, I can tell you NO means NO!
We have been screamed at, had stuff thrown at us. Watched customers flip out and blame us for not having the stock they wanted. Been poked, had people click their fingers at us for service. Tell us we are inadequate because we informed them that the product they were describing was made by another company and been threatened many times, by many customers that in our opinion need chemical help.
Yet, to reduce a grown Cosmetics Consultant to tears because you were not getting what you wanted was deeply unpleasant.
You sir and your overmade up, tangerine wife are DEEPLY UNPLEASANT.

My worst nightmare.

We all have likes and dislikes, some of us have phobias. Snakes, spiders, I know someone who even has a phobia of sliced tomatoes.
Mine sadly is Dwarfs.
I know, I am a horrid person.  I wish I didn't but I do. For that reason I have never seen, read or touched The Hobbit and Lord of the Rings is safe from my prying eyes.  I go out of my way not to infect my children with my phobia and am completely aware it is some bigoted ism' but I just can't help myself, I hate em. It is all I can do to stop my self bashing them with shoes.
Over the years my shame has spread across the Hall of Plenty much to the amusement of my colleagues I have endured the jokes and even one particular day when Miss Marple had stuck an entire collection of Trolls in the drawers.
They have however always made sure I do not embarrass myself or insult any of our smaller customers with great sympathy.
So imagine my confusion when I arrived back after lunch to the anxious faces of an entire shop floor. My two o'clock make over had arrived. And yes, she was.
Not small, TINY, hairy with a hump and a glass eye.
Under such circumstances it has long been my way to think of Saint Princess of Diana. If she can shake a stump, I can make over a dwarf. So with gritted teeth and a box of tissues on hand, I made her beautiful.
A very lovely person, with a lot to say.  In her tiny high pitched voice.
After 45 minutes I had never been so drained. Leaving her to arrange her purchases with my colleagues, I made my way to the beauty rooms in the store. On finding an empty one I let rip to the full force of my emotions. Congratulating myself on how well I had done, I rearranged myself to exit the room, only to discover my little friend had followed me to thank me for being so nice.
Thank god for sound proofing.
The irony is not lost on me or this bottle of wine I am half way through!

Election Special.

It's happened, Politics has entered the Hall of Plenty. And I don't mean, who gets priority in the Stock Room, politics either. Actually, if you carry a lot of stock then you are pretty much guaranteed a good space in the hell that is the basement. So applying beauty counter logic to Downing Street, John Prescott would be Prime Minister for ever.
No, the paralysis in the skies was just too short a subject for Friday morning and I don't know who said it, but,
'David Cameron was a bit dehydrated, his fake tan looked patchy.'
The gloves were off!
Never mind the manifesto's, in the Hall of Plenty this election will be decided by skin tone, hydration, matification. Nice hands, good nail grooming, too much - to little make up. What lip colour the wives choose and hair.
You know, the strange thing is, we decided Nick Clegg had good skin and just look at the poles.
 Check out Barack Obama if you don't believe. Great skin, perfectly hydrated but not too shiny. Great hands, well moisturised. Michelle, obviously immaculate.
The speculation over whether David Cameron will get more Um-pa Lumpa as they go on, is rife. And it is a fine tipping point, should Nick Clegg's wife disappoint it could all go horribly wrong. Just like a pink lipstick matched with a coral blusher. No!
Our resident Peter Snow, very in touch with her Pankhurst side thinks that as long as Dr. Who still has a ginger companion, then Gordon actually has a chance.
So be warned boys, this season it's all about B.B.C. Blend, Balance and Co-ordinate.

Our Top Ten!

It's been a bit of tumble-weed week, with the sun shinning and the Easter holidays stretching on endlessly. Can you believe it's only another two terms till Summer slump time?
Between you and me, that is the time we play silly buggers. You know, flick rubber bands across the shop floor at each other with pinpoint accuracy. Stuff citrus fruits down our bra's to see exactly what a boob job would look like and have 'How many Skittles can you get in your mouth' Competitions. Actually that one ended quite badly when the phone rang and Miss White - face of an angel very large mouth - automatically answered the phone with three quarters of a packet in her mouth and breathed in.
Anyway, in between dusting the shelves. Cleaning the fragrance bottles, that are still being rammed up peoples noses and numerically ordering the lipsticks, we compiled our top ten customer comments.

10) 'These lipsticks, what do they do?
  9) Of the Sold Out stickers we put on items - 'This eye shadow, Sold Out do you have any?'
 8) ' Hi, I'm going away next week and I wondered, as I have a travel restriction on weight do you have any of those sample's things I could take with me?'- Didn't you say that last week?- 'Err no.'
 7) 'Do you sell make up here?'
 6) 'Do you know where I could find - the lifts-men-the stairs-the doors-anywhere that sells make up?
 5) 'Do you sell eyelids?'
 4) 'Do all those perfumes smell different?'
 3)Does your hand cream come in a smaller size than that?' -No madam- ' No it's too big, it's for my friends handbag, she is dead.'
 2) 'Where is your make up?' - Just there.- 'No that's no good!'- Why ? - 'I can't see it.' - But madam the display is six foot long- 'But I can't see it!' (And she was not blind.)
1) On the phone - 'Great your bronze's have arrived , now what colour do you recommend for me?' - ON THE PHONE!
All true and honest comments made to us by the Great British Public.

All change.

After a few days bonding with 'the Tiny hands', we have been down mines, had a pub lunch, watched films at the cinema and eaten far too much chocolate whilst discussing Jesus and planting flowers. My children are starting to get as bolshy as those kids on Outnumbered. I arrived back at work to discover that Our Glorious Leader is leaving the store.
Not 'She who must be obeyed' but he who runs the store. Sad for us because he's a jolly chap who has his head screwed on. That leaves us with the' Great Overseer'. Now not wishing to be cruel but when ever he sets foot on the shop floor quite a number of people hum the Darth Vader theme tune and a couple of the girls from another brand have named him Voldemort.
I predict that in the future this blog will involve a few internal rants.
It's not that he is awful, just very intense. My first encounter with him was not great, he strode up, invaded my personal space and asked, 'What's wrong with you lot then?' 
For some reason he was not impressed when I put my finger to my temples and said,
'Sorry nothing is coming through , you'll have to give me a clue.'

Well, we will just have to wait and see who comes forward to lift the sword of  Destiny at the 'Hall of Plenty' next.

Good Friday?

There are days and then there are those days, yesterday for example.
Angry shouty woman at 10.30 am, bought fragrance and body lotion on Thur. Brought it back on Fri, because she had 'a reaction'. Couldn't show us the dreadful rash, stuck down the packaging with sellotape, insisted she hadn't used it and shouted a lot about us accusing her of lying.
So how do you get a reaction from something you haven't used?

12.20 pm Miss Marple answered the phone to a customer. This lady wanted to know the difference between the bottles of a particular fragrance in Edt and Edp. Only half way through the conversation did she say, 'I'm blind'. Then, 'it's the peach fragrance' and then said, 'I haven't seen the Edt bottle yet.' Even more bizarre was, 'well I don't have it with me.'
Miss Marple was not amused at having to state the obvious.
Now, we have a lot of disabled customers and we relish the opportunity to push ourselves when describing the smell, texture, colour or effects of our products. So please forgive us for sniffing out a bank holiday fake.

2pm and the Hall of Plenty's first aider was called to administer to a couple who had fallen over breaking a finger, losing their teeth and displacing a wig under the Spray Tester Stand.

About 4pm 'She who must be obeyed' nearly died when she handed a customer's husband a tissue. Busy using one of our cotton buds to clean out his ears, he smartly handed them back once he'd finished.
Nice!

Rounded off by the customer who's child wee'd all over the floor because she was too busy buying fake eyelashes to take him to the toilet, I was not surprised to find myself waiting for 'He who pays the Mortgage and the tiny hands' to pick me , stood next to a former Doctor Who.

Just one day in the world of cosmetics!

Sharing the Easter Love.

Easter is nearly here and the 'tiny hands ' are almost as excited as they were at Christmas. Half term has arrived, for the sake of my sanity and the safety of our hamster, I should have booked some holidays. Its hard to confess, but the sense of relief to drop them off at my parents and go into work was massive, it really does come to something when the Hall of Plenty is an ocean of tranquility compared to home.

And do you know, I'm not the only one, sometimes our counter has more in common with a therapist's. Having worked with some of my colleagues for a good while, we have noticed that there are times when a customer will confess their fears to us, share a story or confide in us when they probably wouldn't else where. There is a moment of trust when somebody strips you of your make up and reapplies what they feel you should wear. For us, that is a very precious thing.
Over the years I have had the privilege to meet some wonderful inspirational people, I say people, because they are not always women. Plenty of men purchase from us and they too share. Its easy in Cosmetics and Fragrance to only talk about the people who complain, return stuff or are just plain rude to us for no reason. But there is whole world of customers for whom we are a  support system. A bit of good advice, a shoulder to cry on, we have even reviewed cv's and boosted confidence before big interviews.
So while I won't be painting eggs or making handmade chocolate lollies, that's what Mum has planned to wear them out, I won't be feeling guilty.
We may not be saving lives out there but at least we can share a bit of Easter love.

Spray Testing.

There is new meat in the Hall of Plenty.
The bright eager faces of the spray tester girls on the promotional stand, bring new life to the Spring Season, filling the hall with fragranced enthusiasm. Bless them, like lambs to the slaughter.
The shine had definitely worn off by tea time, in fact one of them had had a minor melt down and rushed off the shop floor in tears.
You have to be tough in this business and spray testing is the toughest gig of all. On display by a door in the freezing cold, or at the heart of a shop floor in front of expensive shiny surfaces, you can't be too pushy or too shy. It's a fine balance between offering someone a spray of fragrance to try and badgering the living daylights out of them.

Watching the 'New Meat' the girls and I were reminded of just how hard it is. You step forward, smile in place, bottle at the ready, opening statement on the tip of your tongue and you get the brush off. It could be the open handed, 'No!' Or the , 'I can't hear you' shuffle. That is when the customer hastily tries to get past slower shoppers without acknowledging you, forcing them to perform an erratic forward, stop, side step. Which is, more often than not, followed by shoving past some elderly woman in a fleecy.

It's not easy , so please spare them a smile even if you say 'No thanks.'

Why?

My burning feet and  your one ridiculous question,
 'What colour  do you think I am?'
What does that even mean? I can see what colour you are. So you mean, what colour do I think you should wear.
The funny thing is that if I say brown, you won't like brown . If I say pink, believe me, pink won't be the colour for you because you think pink looks cheap. Red  then, 'no dear I don't do red, too tarty.'
So why do you ask?
 Is it some sort of bizarre quiz, or test? Do you go home and tell the family that they wouldn't believe what some girl at the beauty counter said,
'I'm autumnal, me winter colours, ridiculous!' And then you and your colour co-ordinated family laugh in a superior, contrasted and slightly charming way.
It's just make up

Scandalous!

Scandal has rocked the Hall of Plenty. I wouldn't have thought it possible but we have not, seen and heard everything in the beauty business, not until today that is.
Our own counter's resident Miss Marple overheard the fuss but got the details over a sandwich and tea up in the canteen.
Security  has always been strict, given the glories each floor can provide to them that have. It would seem that the Chaps have been hunting down a mystery thief who manages to pilfer no matter what, so imagine our surprise when one of the staff from another floor is caught red handed with stock. I say red handed......
Apparently and she swears it to be true, that the lady in question was caught with a bottle of fragrance, in her knickers.
Now I don't have much sympathy with the girl, but I would truly be mortified if I was ever searched, only to produce a bottle of scent from my Lady Garden.
'She who must be obeyed'  needed more eyeliner and a lie down after that one. There is truly, 'nowt as queer as folk.'

When vanity becomes insanity.

There has been little time to update the blog this week, in between the domestic drama's and Spring promotions at the Hall of Plenty, I was lucky to emerge from under the giant pile of washing generated by one very messy girl and two mud covered boys. (One of them pays the mortgage and should know better!) 
 Now, there are few things that can strike fear into the heart of a beauty consultant. The mention of Store Cards and the phrase, 'Stock Take' being two examples of things that definitely do leave us quaking in our court shoes, however usually we are pretty impervious to most things. (Those nylon outfits can repel almost any customer related overspill, fluid or otherwise.) Yet the customer that arrives fifteen minutes before closing at the end of a really busy day, wishing to try on lipstick's with no definite idea of what they are looking for, is every self - respecting tut' pushers nightmare.
 When the well-veneered lady that arrived at the counter last night,  first approached . I knew it was to good to be true. 'No!' she didn't need any help. Then she said,
'Well actually, could you tell me what lipsticks don't make your teeth look yellow.'
It's a little known fact that coral coloured lipsticks make discoloured teeth look yellow. Coral being a shade of orange and not, as one exasperated colleague told over six customers last week, pink. Okay, NOT PINK!
Anyway, as I sighed and any thoughts of getting out of work on time vanished, little did I know just how odd my evening would get.
She didn't agree, nor did she agree with the seven shades I tried on her. When I pointed out that absolutely nothing would make her teeth look yellow because,
 'They are white veneers.'
She didn't agree with that either. Well, misses who ever you where, I think the giveaway was the luminous day glo white and the fact that you looked as if you mugged a racehorse on the way into the store. Thank you for making me late for my sons bedtime, thank you for making me sit in traffic going to some concert and thank you very much, for making me realise that sometimes vanity is only a couple of messed up letters away from insanity.  

Sniffing the Bottle

What a weekend!
'He who pays the mortgage' rallied the troops and this Mothers Day was exceptional. The tiny hands prepared a breakfast and it was lovely, although I think he may need some time to recover from the experience. I had a wonderful day.
Meanwhile, back at the 'Hall of Plenty', 'she who must be obeyed' has spotted some very disturbing trends.
First being the current fashion amongst customers for testing fragrances by shoving the bottle up their noses. Now, I don't know about you but I always thought the pieces of paper provided for the customer, neatly displayed before the bottles were for that, I could be wrong. I could even be wrong to point out that as a spray does just that, spray, surely people are just sniffing what is on somebody else's hands? And what about Swine Flu? M.R.S.A ? Other stuff that comes from up the general public and their many noses?
With 'she who must be obeyed' in a hygiene frenzy, we spent our Monday morning removing stray nose hair off the fragrance bottles.
Just after Operation Deep Clean, she was amazed to witness another event, leaving our glorious leader in need of tea and a bit of a sit down. Several people testing our newly clean bottles of fragrances by enthusiastically spraying themselves in the face.
Now, we are used to people grabbing the odd lipstick, that may or may not have been tested on the back of a hand that hasn't been washed and using it straight off the stand.
But for goodness sake people! Surely that blinding ability of a neat fragrance right in the eye is enough to warn anyone off.
Mind you I suppose it would always kill off the Swine Flu.

I have a Dream......

You know beneath the nylon uniform and the plastic badge is the beating heart of a woman. A wife, a mother but mostly a human being.
Most people don't really see me until they bring something back, then suddenly I am fiend. A nylon clad, receipt refusing,bully. Funny that because if it's faulty or within 28 days we'll change it , refund it, take it back, even make a flaming hat out of it!
Is it me or does the title of that zombie film twenty eight days later, specifically refer to that phenomena? It certainly caused some speculation this afternoon in between makeovers when the girls and I chewed over the problem.
So today I declare, I am a person. Yes, I sell cosmetics! Yes, I have the power to destroy your world by telling you that lipstick is discontinued and Yes! I, in the words of my daughter at school, sell coloured fat for ladies lips.
But I love my job.
 Targets, pressure, products, prices! Who cares when a bride who has never worn make up cry's with joy. A recovering cancer patient gets her eyelashes back.A broken woman recovers her mojo to go out dating again, all with a little help from me.
This is my diary , my time to speak out.