Just when I thought life couldn't get anymore interesting, this week has proved me wrong.
Lily bugs have invaded our lovely memorial lilies in the garden. At first 'man child' was delighted by the bright red bugs that were shagging on the family tribute to our favourite hamster, now deceased. When he discovered via the RHS website that these jewel like nympho-manics, actually gave birth to creatures that dwell within their own feaces, we had to set up Bug Watch!
Yes, 'He who pays the Mortgage' and I have spent hours ''humanely'' removing the scarlet sex fiends in jars and wiping away the small pooh nymphs, anxiously watched by our own David Attenborough.
(Should I discover in years to come, my son attached to a tree, in hessian sandals I will not be shocked.)
After that, I thought work would be a doddle.
Unfortunately not, like the Lily bug we have witnessed the return of the Greater Stalking Sample Hunter. A most determined couple of characters, that we thought we had seen the back of.
One of them with doll like curls and timid manner, draws you in. Simpering away and full of family sob stories, she buys things only to return them next day to another member of staff. The really clever thing is how she tries to work everyone off each other, to get her money back and a bag full of apology samples. Unhappily for her she wore out 'She who must be Obeyed's' patience and was ''discouraged to avail herself our services'' sometime last summer.
The other, is my own personal Nemesis. Wrapped in her beige mac, with a hairdo you could bounce rocks off, she stalks the Hall of Plenty interrupting make ups and consultations, demanding samples. Once, when I refused her, she went to the sample drawer and opened it. Between her hand in the drawer and my knee jamming it shut, I did think she had got the message.
Imagine my surprise, to spot her scurrying our way through the Hall of Plenty, especially given the long and dynamic history of our acquaintance. A simple change of hairstyle is enough to lure this woman to you, in the hope that you are new and don't know her. Like a moth to the flame she came.
And this time it was special!
Apparently, we don't like her on this counter and we are rude to her. We never let her try any of our samples even though she buys loads of things from our company. So when I said, 'No I'm sorry we don't have any samples for you.' She freaked out, I was rude, everybody on the counter was rude, she didn't even know why she shopped at this Hall of Plenty.
It has become apparent to us, that these two are the operatives of some geriatric Fagin. A criminal mastermind, who runs a team of old women sample hunters from the run down premises of a former hair dressers. Living off the profits of eBay sales, by photographing the samples too close up and selling them as full size. Whilst he indulges his passion for back combing and tonged curls upon them, under the influence of a very serious hairspray addiction.
What other explanation could there be!
