Whoa! Sometimes even I do not know what blokes see in the painted jades, that drag them from shop to shop acquiring more frivolity to drape themselves in.
Today for example, I met the most pussy whipped man on the planet.
'Roger Shut Up! Now I want this lip gloss replacing with one of the same colour!!!'
'Sorry madam we can only find you something close, because we don't make that anymore.'
'But that is too dark. No! I want ....'
'Darling, she did say they don't make that....'
'Roger ... I said be quiet.'
EMBARRASSED SILENCE
'Madam, this is as close as you are getting.'
'Yes, yes I have been through this before...'
'Here dear this is very close.'
'Give me that!' SNATCHES LIP GLOSS FROM HUSBAND 'It's not the same.'
'I know madam I told you we don't make that anymore.'
'Huh! For goodness sake...'
CONSULTANT (ME) PUTS BACK ALL MAKE UP AND WALKS AWAY
'Err I'll take it!'
STOPS WALKING, RAISES EYEBROW FOR MAGIC WORD.
'I'll take this.'
'Fine. If you would just follow me...'
'Roger move...Just put it in a bag!'
'I'm sorry?'
'Put it in a bag.'
'I'm sorry?'
'I said put it in a bag...'
LONG SILENCE.
'.........please......'
All I can say is she better bloody well give good head with an attitude like that, because if I was Roger, I would hold a pillow over her face still she stopped bucking, then get the first flight out of the country and spend my pension on prostitutes!!!!!!
Wednesday 6 June 2012
Tuesday 8 May 2012
A meeting of frivolous minds.....
'Hello do you need a handy wipe madam?'
'Oh yes please, I was just looking to replace this lipstick with something a bit lighter.'
'How about this one?'
'Yes, that's really nice, but you know the texture is a bit.......vaseline...y.'
'Mmm well madam, that is the finest Shea butter we can provide to lock in hydration.'
'Very nice, still a bit greasy though.'
'Yeah I know , not everyone likes the texture.'
'Mmm how about these they are a bit more matt.'
'Yep.'
'By the way, what is a Shea?'
'You know what, I'm not exactly sure.....but whatever it is, we milked it and turned it into butter just for you madam.'
'Ha! Well, that's marvellous. I think I'll have one of those thanks. I don't suppose you can tell me why they are so expensive these days, I mean it is only lipstick...'
'Oh madam, these are wrapped in the sweat from a fairy's wings.....'
'Well in that case, I better have two.'
Other customers to take note!!! There is nothing wrong in having a sense of humour.
'Oh yes please, I was just looking to replace this lipstick with something a bit lighter.'
'How about this one?'
'Yes, that's really nice, but you know the texture is a bit.......vaseline...y.'
'Mmm well madam, that is the finest Shea butter we can provide to lock in hydration.'
'Very nice, still a bit greasy though.'
'Yeah I know , not everyone likes the texture.'
'Mmm how about these they are a bit more matt.'
'Yep.'
'By the way, what is a Shea?'
'You know what, I'm not exactly sure.....but whatever it is, we milked it and turned it into butter just for you madam.'
'Ha! Well, that's marvellous. I think I'll have one of those thanks. I don't suppose you can tell me why they are so expensive these days, I mean it is only lipstick...'
'Oh madam, these are wrapped in the sweat from a fairy's wings.....'
'Well in that case, I better have two.'
Other customers to take note!!! There is nothing wrong in having a sense of humour.
Normal Transmission Resumed.
Sorry there hasn't been much of a posting frenzy of late, but with all the changes to Blogger and the kids S.T.A.T.S ( Very traumatic time for parents, one needs a translation into real speak of the reports that appear telling you in binary code how your child is progressing through the school system. I believe that is where my children go, I mean they could be working for MI5 for all I know.(( I wouldn't let them work for MI6, neither of them have a penchant for the inside of a sports bag.))
So anyway, just a note to let you know normal transmission will be resumed a.s.a.p.
MOLE x
So anyway, just a note to let you know normal transmission will be resumed a.s.a.p.
MOLE x
Saturday 31 March 2012
Doing the Double-Dip.
Right, it is official. Mole's Economic Barometer reads 'Double Dip.'
Just a few indicators that the retail front is as fit as an arthritic limbo dancer;
1)When ten percent day rolls around , we practically have to send out a taxis to fetch customers to the store.
&
2) When you ask if a customer would like the lip-liner that matches the lipstick they are buying, they shoo you to the till in reply.
Otherwise we are still shifting lipstick by the bucket load. ( Little known fact, we sell more lipstick in times of recession)
There we go, complete fiscal break down of the high-street, via your friendly local tut pushers. Hoping for our own programme on BBC 2, which we would illustrate said phenomenon via pie charts coloured in with eye shadow .
Just a few indicators that the retail front is as fit as an arthritic limbo dancer;
1)When ten percent day rolls around , we practically have to send out a taxis to fetch customers to the store.
&
2) When you ask if a customer would like the lip-liner that matches the lipstick they are buying, they shoo you to the till in reply.
Otherwise we are still shifting lipstick by the bucket load. ( Little known fact, we sell more lipstick in times of recession)
There we go, complete fiscal break down of the high-street, via your friendly local tut pushers. Hoping for our own programme on BBC 2, which we would illustrate said phenomenon via pie charts coloured in with eye shadow .
Wednesday 28 March 2012
Yes, we bloody know it's sunny.......
Yes, thank you, we know it is sunny outside.
We can tell.
Do you know how?
Because , you are wearing a maxi dress and sandals. Now take a good look at every consultant in the store and once you have got past the smacked arse faces that we are displaying, notice the tightly gripped jaw lines as we slam your purchases into our Luxury paper bags. We are more than aware of the weather outside, but we are also sweating our balls off in tights, mixed fabric skirts, jackets, t-shirts and maybe the odd woolly top.
Please excuse us, if we are bitter, but the closest any of us are going to get to a tan is San Tropez and fifteen minutes in a park over our sandwiches with a couple of drunks on a park bench nearby to add to the atmosphere.
Hurrah!
We can tell.
Do you know how?
Because , you are wearing a maxi dress and sandals. Now take a good look at every consultant in the store and once you have got past the smacked arse faces that we are displaying, notice the tightly gripped jaw lines as we slam your purchases into our Luxury paper bags. We are more than aware of the weather outside, but we are also sweating our balls off in tights, mixed fabric skirts, jackets, t-shirts and maybe the odd woolly top.
Please excuse us, if we are bitter, but the closest any of us are going to get to a tan is San Tropez and fifteen minutes in a park over our sandwiches with a couple of drunks on a park bench nearby to add to the atmosphere.
Hurrah!
Wednesday 21 March 2012
''Eyebrow Gate''
You don't half hear some things over a gluten free egg sandwich and dishwater tea from the machine in the canteen.
Apparently, I say this because I was not there to witness 'Eyebrow Gate', one of the counters that offers a quick sadistic touch up to your brows had a nasty experience this weekend. A customer had her eyebrows waxed then freaked out completely, threatening to sue because her eyebrows were wrong. Now the poor girl that had waxed them explained that they were as the client had asked for them to be and that they were certainly not too thin, but after ten minutes of being screamed at she burst into tears. The manager who had to deal with it, also got shouted at and had to placate the woman with a gift card of indeterminate value.
Unfortunately a customer who had witnessed the whole affair, then told the manager that she had just seen the same woman doing exactly the same thing in another store two hours earlier.
Wow! Go on Mary Portas get stuck into that one.
Apparently, I say this because I was not there to witness 'Eyebrow Gate', one of the counters that offers a quick sadistic touch up to your brows had a nasty experience this weekend. A customer had her eyebrows waxed then freaked out completely, threatening to sue because her eyebrows were wrong. Now the poor girl that had waxed them explained that they were as the client had asked for them to be and that they were certainly not too thin, but after ten minutes of being screamed at she burst into tears. The manager who had to deal with it, also got shouted at and had to placate the woman with a gift card of indeterminate value.
Unfortunately a customer who had witnessed the whole affair, then told the manager that she had just seen the same woman doing exactly the same thing in another store two hours earlier.
Wow! Go on Mary Portas get stuck into that one.
Saturday 10 March 2012
Call me old fashioned.....
I have a few 'life catch phrases',
'I don't mean to be rude...' (Clearly about to say something painful.)
'In my opinion...' (Because I, like everyone else, am entitled to one whether anyone likes it or not.)
'Call me old fashioned but....' ( I'm not!)
'To be absolutely honest....' (My code for, 'you brought this on yourself.')
And what relevance does this have to anything? Good question, today a bloke came to the counter with his wife and kept repeating the phrase,
'You know what I hate about....'
Make up, fragrance, bottles, just about everything until he said, 'Sales staff, or ''consultants'' ' (Using the finger gesture) So I said,
'No sir, enlighten me.'
And he said,
'They are such a bunch know-it-all's. I mean, all I want when I buy something, is to know what is in it, what it does and where to put it. That's all.'
His wife and I were truly enlightened.
'I don't mean to be rude...' (Clearly about to say something painful.)
'In my opinion...' (Because I, like everyone else, am entitled to one whether anyone likes it or not.)
'Call me old fashioned but....' ( I'm not!)
'To be absolutely honest....' (My code for, 'you brought this on yourself.')
And what relevance does this have to anything? Good question, today a bloke came to the counter with his wife and kept repeating the phrase,
'You know what I hate about....'
Make up, fragrance, bottles, just about everything until he said, 'Sales staff, or ''consultants'' ' (Using the finger gesture) So I said,
'No sir, enlighten me.'
And he said,
'They are such a bunch know-it-all's. I mean, all I want when I buy something, is to know what is in it, what it does and where to put it. That's all.'
His wife and I were truly enlightened.
Wednesday 7 March 2012
My guilty secret....
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I doubt none of these peoples credentials, it's just that, at one time or other I have secretly wished to kick all of them in the face. Sorry X
Monday 5 March 2012
Wasting time....
Honestly, we are not care in the community you know!
The amount of people that mess us about, talk crap, or just utterly waste our time, beggars belief. If you get one person who says, 'Oh, I have got one of your lipstick's' you get ten.
Bloody hell! We don't breed them like puppies you know. We really do not care how that lipstick is getting on with you and your family, how many times you have taken it out and how it behaved at your cousins wedding........WE WANT YOU TO GET ANOTHER ONE.
WHY?
Because we work in shop, Shop, SHOP, GET IT!
This is not the museum of make up, we are not here to stand about displaying things like a magicians assistant waiting for fat guy in a cummerbund to appear out of an overly large box. We are sales staff. The usual function of a shop is the opportunity for purchase, mostly involving our goods and your cash. Frankly, you could give me brass- bloody- buttons or magic beans, I really couldn't care less.
We don't want to hear your story unless you happen to be clutching a lovely fifty pound note and then, believe me, I will dance like a monkey to whatever tune you should wish to hum.
It's been a hard day !
The amount of people that mess us about, talk crap, or just utterly waste our time, beggars belief. If you get one person who says, 'Oh, I have got one of your lipstick's' you get ten.
Bloody hell! We don't breed them like puppies you know. We really do not care how that lipstick is getting on with you and your family, how many times you have taken it out and how it behaved at your cousins wedding........WE WANT YOU TO GET ANOTHER ONE.
WHY?
Because we work in shop, Shop, SHOP, GET IT!
This is not the museum of make up, we are not here to stand about displaying things like a magicians assistant waiting for fat guy in a cummerbund to appear out of an overly large box. We are sales staff. The usual function of a shop is the opportunity for purchase, mostly involving our goods and your cash. Frankly, you could give me brass- bloody- buttons or magic beans, I really couldn't care less.
We don't want to hear your story unless you happen to be clutching a lovely fifty pound note and then, believe me, I will dance like a monkey to whatever tune you should wish to hum.
It's been a hard day !
Monday 27 February 2012
Age and beauty.
After a dismal afternoon where we barely noticed if the doors were open to the public, one of our colleagues decided to take drastic action.
Commence Operation - Badger the Customers at Home. Off she went with the phone book and with some minor success sold a few bits to post out. Then she called Betty who turned out to be 86, nevertheless this lady wanted certain items supplied. It was a lovely conversation until it came time to pay and then the vagaries of age became a problem. Bless Betty, she couldn't read her credit card because her eyes were bad but her husband, who could read it, couldn't speak because he had lost his teeth.
They eventually managed and Betty can expect to smell wonderful sometime soon; in her own words,
'It's the only bloody sense we both have left love..'
We love you Betty X
Commence Operation - Badger the Customers at Home. Off she went with the phone book and with some minor success sold a few bits to post out. Then she called Betty who turned out to be 86, nevertheless this lady wanted certain items supplied. It was a lovely conversation until it came time to pay and then the vagaries of age became a problem. Bless Betty, she couldn't read her credit card because her eyes were bad but her husband, who could read it, couldn't speak because he had lost his teeth.
They eventually managed and Betty can expect to smell wonderful sometime soon; in her own words,
'It's the only bloody sense we both have left love..'
We love you Betty X
Monday 6 February 2012
A Curiously Misheard Moment.....
It's been a while, so one must forgive me as we have been busy breaking She Who Must be Obeyed, almost cutting off a fingernail in a leg shaving disaster and wearing out Miss Marple. Add to that two colds, one pair of split trousers , some sick children, three paramedics on bikes, gas 'n air, morphine, one very strangely strung out temp and there is January, right there in a great big whacked out nutshell!
After the excruciating effort of re-cordinating the entire counter we had a much needed chuckle this week. Miss Marple had what she though, was a pretty easy request to match a lady up with a foundation colour. As ever she found the perfect shade and said,
'Okay, so you are forty beige madam.'
'I'm what?'
'Forty beige.'
'What?'
'Forty beige madam.'
'Are you sure?'
'Yes madam, you see it completely disappears into your neck, that's the best colour for you.'
'And that one is...?'
'Forty beige.'
'Really, that's it's actual name?'
'Yes, look here on the box.'
'Oh... Forty Beige!'
'Yes, madam forty beige.'
' I thought you were saying Foreskin.'
'!......?!?'
After the excruciating effort of re-cordinating the entire counter we had a much needed chuckle this week. Miss Marple had what she though, was a pretty easy request to match a lady up with a foundation colour. As ever she found the perfect shade and said,
'Okay, so you are forty beige madam.'
'I'm what?'
'Forty beige.'
'What?'
'Forty beige madam.'
'Are you sure?'
'Yes madam, you see it completely disappears into your neck, that's the best colour for you.'
'And that one is...?'
'Forty beige.'
'Really, that's it's actual name?'
'Yes, look here on the box.'
'Oh... Forty Beige!'
'Yes, madam forty beige.'
' I thought you were saying Foreskin.'
'!......?!?'
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