It's not often we are helpless with laughter, but if you had been there when Miss Marple was explaining why she couldn't reach the bottom drawers, you would have been too.
Life for a woman is an endless series of scrubbing, plucking, tweaking, reining it in, tanning and moisturising. When Miss Marple went to tidy 'the garden' recently, she thought,
'No. To hell with Salon prices, I'll do it myself.'
Picture then, our heroine in her immaculate new bathroom and it's wonderful tiled floor, wax strips at the ready. After the first toe curling epilation, she had to put on her i pod to drown the noise of hair tearing from flesh. Now with sweaty palms, she continued. But the hair, it pulls back you know !
With shaky, wet hands she struggled with the hedge, till an ear phone fell out. Sticking it back in, she got wax in her ear, then hair stuck to the wax, then her fingers attached to that. Head hair drama over, Miss Marple started again. This time, she ripped out an in growing hair that started to bleed. She tried to blot it with cotton wool, that got stuck to her hand, causing her to drop the used wax strip in the other. She trod on it.
Poor Miss Marple, slipped from her perch on the edge of the bath. To be discovered on the bathroom floor, bare arsed, a heap of hair, wax, bloody cotton wool, with a wax strip stuck to her foot, by her boyfriend who heard the thump. To add insult to injury, the wax proved to be quite stubborn, sticking some toilet roll to her foot as she tried to escape.
Beauty is a dangerous business, especially to ones dignity.
Apparently, he didn't laugh as much as we did.
Friday, 10 September 2010
Monday, 6 September 2010
A Small Malfunction.
Somebody finally snapped.
The endless months of flinching, watching people ramming fragrance bottles up their noses, in an effort to look sophisticated and knowledgeable. The grumbling, as we resentfully shimmy over and wipe the bottles clean of stray fluids, from up the nose of some idiot with attitude. The sighs, as we march away. Only to have the next pompous cash bearer, fumble with the easily sprayable, non lid wearing bottle. Covering their complete inadequacy by then resorting to, yeah, sticking it up their snot box.
'No, no, no, don't do that. That is revolting. What do you think those paper things are for? Sorry, sorry don't mumble. You can stick a bottle up your nose, but you can't answer a question? Yes, you had better put that down, mmmmm hmm the exit is there, thank you.'
Nameless, you are my hero!
But, there will be Prozac therapy, it is inevitable.
The endless months of flinching, watching people ramming fragrance bottles up their noses, in an effort to look sophisticated and knowledgeable. The grumbling, as we resentfully shimmy over and wipe the bottles clean of stray fluids, from up the nose of some idiot with attitude. The sighs, as we march away. Only to have the next pompous cash bearer, fumble with the easily sprayable, non lid wearing bottle. Covering their complete inadequacy by then resorting to, yeah, sticking it up their snot box.
'No, no, no, don't do that. That is revolting. What do you think those paper things are for? Sorry, sorry don't mumble. You can stick a bottle up your nose, but you can't answer a question? Yes, you had better put that down, mmmmm hmm the exit is there, thank you.'
Nameless, you are my hero!
But, there will be Prozac therapy, it is inevitable.
The September Issue.
It's September! Sep, bloody , tember!
On Friday, we had our first Christmas shopper. Causing 'She Who Must Be Obeyed' to develop her November eye twitch, for a second. Gasps of disbelief echoed across the Hall of Plenty and we, were ignored all afternoon, because one of our customers had dared to say it!!!!
We go through weeks, of listening to people banging on about how Christmas gets earlier and earlier each year. When actually, it doesn't. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but it stays right there in December just after Halloween and Bonfire Night, where it always was.
Easter, on the other hand, roams all over the place.
But it is a ring of retail hell, you can never truly appreciate, until you have tried cramming your Christmas stock in any available orifice.
Now, we are doomed to watch the horizon, as 'She..' beats the drums of the slave ship faster. All because, one smug punter likes to tell the world, she has nothing better to do for the next 3 months.
On Friday, we had our first Christmas shopper. Causing 'She Who Must Be Obeyed' to develop her November eye twitch, for a second. Gasps of disbelief echoed across the Hall of Plenty and we, were ignored all afternoon, because one of our customers had dared to say it!!!!
We go through weeks, of listening to people banging on about how Christmas gets earlier and earlier each year. When actually, it doesn't. I don't know if anyone else has noticed, but it stays right there in December just after Halloween and Bonfire Night, where it always was.
Easter, on the other hand, roams all over the place.
But it is a ring of retail hell, you can never truly appreciate, until you have tried cramming your Christmas stock in any available orifice.
Now, we are doomed to watch the horizon, as 'She..' beats the drums of the slave ship faster. All because, one smug punter likes to tell the world, she has nothing better to do for the next 3 months.
A Poke in the Eye with a Sharp Stick, or 'I don't take kindly to abuse!'
Okay then, for the Cliff Richards' fan who stumbled across this blog, then abused both my grammar and myself, what I actually meant was a flippant, topical, joke.
No, I did not mean to be cruel, although I can and most certainly will be in the next couple of lines.
Possibly the thing to have written was, 'high maintenance ' in reference to Cliff and that photo. You see being a grown up, I can spot blusher and spanx, both of which he is wearing in the said picture.
I understand he is a hero to many, I also understand he has a very good sense of humour too, so I guess he probably won't be as offended as you were about my comment.
As for me dying a horrible death, Cliff is a christian and would most likely forgive me, or turn a tightened, highlighted and well groomed, geriatric cheek. So as a fan, I would advise you emulate your hero and rise above such earthly concerns as my 'grubby blog' and 'badly written nonsense'.
Now here is a metaphorical and fairly typical, 'poke in the eye with a sharpened stick', comment from me.
'You sat and read it!'
No, I did not mean to be cruel, although I can and most certainly will be in the next couple of lines.
Possibly the thing to have written was, 'high maintenance ' in reference to Cliff and that photo. You see being a grown up, I can spot blusher and spanx, both of which he is wearing in the said picture.
I understand he is a hero to many, I also understand he has a very good sense of humour too, so I guess he probably won't be as offended as you were about my comment.
As for me dying a horrible death, Cliff is a christian and would most likely forgive me, or turn a tightened, highlighted and well groomed, geriatric cheek. So as a fan, I would advise you emulate your hero and rise above such earthly concerns as my 'grubby blog' and 'badly written nonsense'.
Now here is a metaphorical and fairly typical, 'poke in the eye with a sharpened stick', comment from me.
'You sat and read it!'
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