Highwayman and super-injunctions......

The news has been deadly boring this weekend, mostly because of the 'old news' about another cheating footballer, and really nobody cared till he tried to protect his image. Except for his wife, that is.

Now here in the Hall of Plenty we see a lot of this type of thing. It isn't unusual for a man to come up with some elaborate bullshit about not being able to remember what fragrance his wife (Mistress!) wears. The sweaty top lip is a good indication of an 'infidelity shopping spree.' An even bigger giveaway is the embarrassed silence as he is told the price of his 'Lovers' discretion, you see his wife would never expect anything so expensive out of the family coffers, not with bills to pay!

All this puts me in mind of one Christmas when we met the Champion of all Cheaters at the counter. Up rocks a cheeky chappie with a wad of cash and a cocky mate with attitude. Now my feet had pre- Christmas court shoe fatigue - if you have never experienced Christmas retail in the boom years, this feels like running the London Marathon in stilettos over marbles- so I was not in the best of moods. Off they started with their flirty banter that I was supposed giggle at, however, like the stony- faced bitch from their nightmares, I was not playing ball. The more they tried, the higher the eyebrow rose and the more extravagant the purchase became, until in a final attempt to impress me, cheeky chappies friend blurted out,

'He wants something for his girlfriend as well as his wife,'

I may have had sore feet but my balls still worked,

'Well sir, I suggest you buy them both the same fragrance or you will get caught when you come home and believe me, if you don't buy your girlfriend something as big as your wife, you will get caught anyway.'

Suddenly I had their respect. I was a woman to fear, I knew the secrets of the ultimate cheater and had passed that wisdom on. Still, his hands shook as he passed over seven hundred pounds in cash......

I keep my mask and guns under the till, the horse you will find round the back of the building!