What a confusing time for us in retail......
Either we are in a recession or we are not. What's all this ''double dip'' nonsense, why are companies on a plus if the economy is bobbing about like Anton Du Berke with an Italian Tart on his back?
Suddenly we have to cart people around the shop floor because, even though we have our own customers waiting, many are too stupid to follow clear instructions;
'The lifts are straight in front of you madam.'
'Where?'
'Just there...'
'Where?'
'Follow me.... (Shall I press the button for you madam? Maybe I should do your shopping for you as well, whilst you stand there looking vacant and confused by the overwhelming effort of SHOPPING!!!!!)
And now we have to be part of the security team as well???!!!
Sorry, like my job is not hard enough with women unable to make up their minds over which tangerine foundation they should pile on their face, idiots asking facile questions about their skin just to fill in twenty minutes of their day and grubby children sticking sweaty hands all over everything, now I have to hunt down shoplifter's and 'diffuse' the situation when some drug addled trollope wobbles up, with a bottle full of what looks like ethanol, grabs a bottle of perfume rams it up her nose, squirts herself in the minge, then starts rambling incoherently in a threatening manner.
No! It's not my job. If I wanted to be part of the 'Polyester Flying Squad' I would have joined a security firm. As it is the people who provide our security guards appear to be running a care in the community programme, three of them can't speak English, one is over sixty and one has a gammy leg. It's already like an episode of 'Allo, Allo' without us making citizens arrests in heels and ill fitting trouser's. I mean have you ever tried wrestling someone to the ground in a pussycat bow, false eyelashes and a pencil skirt?
Frankly, it would be like being mobbed by drag queens.
Applause! So very true!
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